Butterbean or Butterbette?

I can't claim that one. Someone else said it. I don't know who, off the top of my head, but thanks to whoever it was.

Tomorrow's the big day. XX or XY? Blue (ash) or Pink? Baseball or softball (but never soccer;)! Kim's feeling somewhat better. She went to our family dr. yesterday and paid him $20 to tell her she still has the same stupid virus and it has to run its course. She goes back to the family dr today to get a form filled out for working this summer. And then to the OB tomorrow. Can you say, lab coat oversaturation? We've had a couple peaceful nights lately where she starts feeling the baby flutter around inside her. A few more weeks and I'll be able to feel the soft kicks and moves as well. 21.5 weeks in and I'm really starting to get excited. We've passed the halfway point and it's all downhill from here.

I started the latest Donald Miller book about growing up without a father. I can't relate to everything he talks about, having grown up with a great dad. But it forces me to really see what it might be like to not have one.
My plecostamus (sp.) just made a huge splash in my tank. He's a monster now. Phil's tank pump died, so he gave me his 4 fish, so my school's back up to 8 again. And now I have 2 sucker fish! So if you're keeping score at home:
1 White Skirt Tetra (wimpy fish)
1 Black Skirt Tetra (he and the whitey ate his counterpart a couple weeks ago--he's huge!)
1 Headlight/Taillight Tetra (had since January 05!)
1 Monster Plecostamus
and from Phil's tank
2 Black/Gold Mollies (2nd generation--he actually had them since birth!)
1 Zebra Danio (patroller of the tank--picked up where my suicidal rainbow shark used to lord)
1 Plecostamus (a ways to go to equal the monster's size)

What a random post. And for that matter, a random day.
First Mall supper tonight...a 3rd year tradition that hopefully keeps going strong!

Speed bumps

Why do they put speed bumps in the most inappropriate places? I mean, surely they know that I need to zip through that parking lot as fast as I possibly can, right?

I think God knows we move constantly at breakneck speed. Every now and then, He throws a few speed bumps in our path to reel us in and help us to focus on what's important...His glory.

Take for instance this week. Being gone over the weekend, I got behind, and sitting with the boys has abbreviated all of my days this week. But I have finished everything I needed to. And I've avoided all the little sidetraps that often compete for my attention. About the only regret about this week so far has been my having to miss my morning Bible Study that I am so enjoying.
I finished another book. World record reader pace for the ADD poster child I am. I highly reccommend Blue Like Jazz and Searching for God Know's What, both by Donald Miller. I wonder if he's kin to Craig? Arkansas shout out!
Alan suggested reading these in his ever so subtle (I think you should read these!) way, and I thank him for his endorsement. I value his friendship more and more everyday, as I do with all of my friends.
The longer I do what I do, I'm convinced that relationships are the key to fulfilling Christ's goals for His church. God wired us to be relational. We were meant to be in groups, interacting with one another. The major theme I've been convicted of lately is the theme of disconnect. And explaining what I mean by that word is more difficult than I wish it was. I just sense this world moving towards a total disconnect with one another. A looking out for number one mentality, so that we don't give a flying flip about our neighbor. And this is completely contrary to Jesus' commands: "Love the Lord" and "Love your neighbor."
Wouldn't the world be a better place if you told someone you would pray for them and actually did it? I'm so guilty of that one. I have good intentions. But given a rock and good intentions, see which one breaks the window. I wish people would just do a better job of listening to people. Connect with their hearts. Talk about stuff that matters, not petty drivel or meaningless chatter designed to feign interest.
Wow. I'm a nutter budder.
And I'm late. So much for that speed bump.

Mpacting

I call our Wednesday night crowd time MPact. I know it's a ripoff of everybody else's, but I always have liked the seriousness of the word. My prayer has always been that this world will be impacted by what takes place here at Mt. Carmel.

Last night, it was. For the first time in a long time, we felt like a Student Ministry, and not just a Student Group. There was the opening volleyball game. Lots and lots of laughter. Unusual for this time of year. But refreshing.
Then there was our Crowdbreaker. I admit I borrowed it from Group Magazine. I had them design their own icons on an index card, like on a computer screen. Then on the back I had them write what happens when you right click on their icon. "Opens With": What gets you going? "Scan" What's the first thing people notice about you at first? "Create Shortcut" What one word describes you best? "Rename" If you could change your name or location, what or where would it be? Why? "Copy" Who is your idol or role model? Why? "Properties" Write 3 things about your past or family heritage that have helped shape who you are.
They grumbled and fussed. They hate doing work, but it turned out great. We shared our icons and what they meant, then we shared our "Create Shortcut" answers. Over the next few weeks, we'll share all our "Right Clicks."

Then the Junior High went to their class, and Senior High stayed with me. I explained that we were trying something different. I introduced the topic, about how we are not of this world. How this world is only temporary, and how we need to keep our eyes focused on the future glory Christ has prepared for us. After this, we watched a film clip from the movie, Aeon Flux, then we began a discussion. We read passages from I John and I Peter. The discussion was incredible. I heard kids say the most mature things to come out of their mouths in months. Even after the lesson, I had a student come and call me out on something I said, and he was 100% correct. I flippantly responded to something someone had said, and it was rude. I apologized and was forgiven. Maturity is showing up.
At least it did last night. The constant battle to keep my cynicism from overtaking my faith is a struggle, but nights like last night reinforce how Christ works, whether I allow Him to or not.

Feeling better about the next 2 weekends. Still lots to do and take care of, but shouldn't be a problem.
Kim's well. We heard the Butterbean again. Well, the doctor heard the Butterbean, and said he/she sounded great. We didn't actually make it out, but I trust the doctor. This is the third of 5 doctors that might deliver our baby. I liked her. Kim liked her, too, but she still likes Doc #2 better. I could care less. I just want my wife healthy and happy, and our baby healthy and happy too.
Woot! 8 weeks til Fuge. 23 weeks 'til Butterbean!
And oh yeah, as long as the Bean is cooperative, we'll find out boy vs. girl on June 1. Woo hoo!
Better actually get some work done! Today is Steak Day/Pay Day! Double Woot!

Friday, I'm in Love!

Went fishing yesterday afternoon and this morning. Total fish count: 2. Very small bluegill. But I got to get outside for awhile.

Geocaching is a sport I love, but only with other people. Fishing is a sport I love, but mostly by myself. Both involve spending time in parks. Both need good weather. But there's an intrinsic difference in the goal.

Going to the Reds' game tonight. Woo hoo! Beat them 'Stros!

A Quick note

I've been reading lately.

I used to read a lot in high school, but in college I got away from it when my social life picked up. But soon to be an official dad, I've been perousing lots and lots of books. I've always been a magazine sort of guy, but lately I've gravitated towards books.
I guess I just need to be ready.

Why do Easter Bunnies hide eggs, anyway?

T minus 5 days and counting until my favorite holiday of the year...Easter.

I never realized how much Easter meant to me until I was in high school, and had to work on Easter Sunday. I missed out on the big crowd at church. You know, when everybody you haven't seen since Christmas shows up. I missed out on the fun Easter songs that you sing only on Easter Sunday, like "Up From the Grave He Arose!" and "He Lives!" and many many others. Growing up in a small country church gave me perspective on the whole Easter Sunday thing.
When I was 7, we got a new pastor, Bro. James Wells. On the Sunday night before Easter, he came to talk to our Training Union class. Training Union is apparently now an archaic dinosaur that was really the predecessor to "Small Groups." We met each Sunday night at 6 for Training Union, just like we met for Sunday School at 10 in the morning. We studied in depth particular topics, even when I was 7. Needless to say, we never had as many kids for Training Union as we had for Sunday School. I think there may have been 5 or 6 of us. Bro. Jim talked to us about Jesus, and how He came to die for all of us kids so that we could be in heaven one day. He talked about trusting Jesus with our lives, our hearts, every thing we had.
After Training Union and the PM service, as we were walking out, shaking the preacher's hand, I just remember going to him and saying that I wanted to become a Christian. I wanted Jesus to live in my heart. He took me back in to the steps where we knelt, and he quoted some Scripture passages from Romans to me. I especially remember Romans 10:13--"For whosoever shall call upon the Name of the Lord shall be saved."
I called that night.
And I was saved.
He explained to me what to do next. On the following Sunday, when he gave the "invitation" I needed to walk down that aisle and let the church know that I had been saved. At 7, I had little to no fear whatsoever, and did just that. On Easter Sunday, 1982, I walked the aisle and let my church know what Jesus had done for me.
Being a small country church, we didn't have a baptistry. When people got saved at New Antioch, we usually called up Brookland Baptist to see if we could have a joint evening service with them. I guess we called them and got it set up because the following Sunday night, we journeyed the 2 or 3 miles down the road to join up for a baptism service, where me, Dale Burleson, 12, Matt Mink, 9, and Michael Willey, 9, were baptized.

Dale's family wasn't the most stable. He had a hard time throughout school, and never really much came to church after that. I never really knew him, but I know Matt really looked up to him. Dale was killed in a car crash either when he was about to graduate high school, or just thereafter.
Michael became addicted to drugs while in middle school. He lived with his grandparents, and they sent him away to a rehab center/boarding school. He visited occasionally over the next few years, but we really lost contact. I heard he's living in Virginia or somewhere and doing well with a family of his own.
Matt grew on up at New Antioch with me. He was at church every Sunday, just like me, but he was there because his family made him come. After graduation, he came less and less frequently, and eventually married a girl from Jonesboro. I think they're living in Little Rock now and doing well, attending a church there.

But I do love Easter. I can't remember the exact reasons why I gave my life to Christ 24 years ago. Who knows what goes through a 7 year old's mind? I like to think it has to do with the Easter story.
The greatest story ever told.
We should all tell this story.
Over and over again.

Tell me the story of Jesus. Write on my heart every word. Tell me the story most precious. Sweetest that ever was heard.

Dude. I got a Dell. And a heartbeat.

When I walked into my office after vacation, I noticed things were awry. The first clue was the big Dell box in my floor, then I noticed a new flat panel monitor. Then I noticed a new black Dell E310 Dimension on top of my old 'puter. Yippee! After 6 years, with a couple of updates, I finally got a new computer! Dangit! After 6 years, I had a TON of stuff on my old 'puter, including stuff I needed for Sunday. Oh well, easily remedied. Just time consuming. I rehooked my old puter up today and copied it all to the server, but I can't seem to get to the right drive from my new computer. I'll figure it out. Or I'll just make Phil do it.

We had the big "It's time to hear the heartbeat!" appointment for the bean yesterday. By all accounts of these pregnancy sites, the bean should be about 3.5 inches long by now. So not so much a bean anymore, but anyways. Dr. Roberts came in. Immediately, we liked her. She made some small talk, Kim asked her questions, and then out came the little fetal doppler thingy onto the belly. After a few moves around, Dr. Roberts says, "You've got quite a little mover! Listen to that good strong heartbeat!" And it was there. Ka-thump-a-thump-a-thump-a- thump. And I smiled.
And Kim smiled.
And Kim would laugh, and make the thing go, "WOOOOOOOO" and nearly deafen us.
And it was real.

Sunday we sang "The Heart of Worship" and it meant something to me like never before. When we first saw Butterbean, there was a little light flickering. That was the baby's heart. We were actually looking into our child's heart. In "The Heart of Worship," there's a line that goes, "You're looking into my heart."
That's what God does. He looks into our hearts. Physically, we were looking into Butterbean's heart, and marvelling. God looks into our hearts and knows what we feel. Our fears, our sins, our strengths, our passions.
This having a baby thing is very spiritual. I guess I wasn't as prepared for that as much as I thought I would be.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
Praise Him all creatures here below!
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host!
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost!
Amen.

Short but sweet

This will precede a much longer post, one I will write when I get a little more caught up after the breakest of springs.

The trip was fine. Dad's old. Mom's older than I thought. Kim's pregnant. So all of these conspired against seeing everything I would have liked to. But that was okay.

Aside from a slight scare from Kim heading home, the trip was absent of malcontent. Mom and I generally got a long better than I thought we would.

They left this morning to head back to Arkansas. When they leave, or we leave from a visit, it gets harder and harder every time to say goodbye.

I'll post some pics when I have some time. This week is going to be a killer.
TJ

Vay-cay-shun

Spring Break is upon us! Hip Hip Hooray! Hip Hip Hooray! Hip Hip Hooray!
Leaving frigid Cincy in the AM for somewhat more springy Washington DC.
"And monkey's brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine are not often found in Washington DC!"
Bonus points if you know the movie!

Well, not a lot to say. Mom and Dad are here, and so far, no major fights!
Hopefully there won't be any for the next 10 days or so!

That's all for now. Maybe I'll get some good photos and post them when we return.

snow day

another snow day for the tri-state. and just for the record, just how many "tri-states" are there? when i lived in jonesboro, we got the memphis tv stations and they referred to their area as the "tri-state" which included western tn, eastern ark, and ne miss. then i move to cincy and they call this the "tri-state" because of nky, swohio, and seindiana. does new york city refer to itself as the "tri-state" because of nj, ny, and conn? these are things that keep me up at night.

speaking of which, shout out to t-roy for being my first commenter on the butterbean blog! thanks, bro. you're one in a million!

speaking of keeping me up at night, yesterday was my birthday. a little anti-climatic this year due to the whole butterbean arrival countdown, but still a great day. we went to lunch with the staff for mine and philliam's b-days at olive garden. everyone kept going on and on about how we chose olive garden instead of some steak and potatoes joint. as phil told them, "we have class and couth." just because we watch wrestling and monster trucks doesn't mean we don't enjoy a nice chianti with our veal marsala. j/k on that last one. i don't even know what a chianti or veal marsala tastes like, but i'm sure they're good.
anyhoo, we did the day as normal after that, and kim was planning to take me out to supper with neil and emily for my b-day. i went online to fishbowl.com last week and signed up for all the birthday mailer lists through my new junk email (blueashtj@gmail.com) and was able to sift through the various offers of free desserts and entrees and the like. i chose famous daves, but as i was reading the posts on the slickdeals.net site, i found that our fd's in springdale had closed! poppycock! now i had to choose a new restaurant. i chose texas roadhouse, because they sent me 2 things...a free cactus blossom, or a free appetizer. kim informed me that the cactus blossom thingy didn't expire until april 16th, so i'll wait on that one. neil and emily liked cheese fries, so we got those and they were good. i was a little (dawson) leery because of my experiences with the loaded fries at italianette (explosive is the only word that comes to mind), but they were good in moderation. i caved in and upgraded to the 11-oz sirloin, and finished it. it was a good steak. then we went back to the house and had a coldstone birthday ice cream cake. dang it was good. yellow cake with butterfingers and cake batter ice cream all layered up. mmmmmm...cake.....

i didn't fall asleep until around 1150, and the white death was supposd to start around midnight, but it hadn't started at around 330, which is when the indigestion hit. the quick pepcid chewable took that problem and smashed its face in, and i read for about a half hour. then at 6, as i was snoozing away, the phone rang and it was the calldown for teachers. 90 minute delay was the cry. i think i heard teachers rejoicing across the city. i had to wake up cranky, even though she said she was awake and she had to make her call. that's some sort of psycho thing that teachers have to endure on snow days, is to receive a call at an unfortunate hour and then make a call to pass the word on. i think they should just whisper the message, and have them pass it on like that old game telephone. anyway, now i was really awake. the tv went on as we searched the surrounding schools and the various delays. finally there it was...sycamore community schools 90 minute delay. the phone call was justified. the alarm was set for 730, so kim decided to set hers for 730 as well. hers went off about a minute before mine. i got up and went to the shower. as i started the water, i heard a commotion in the bedroom. another call. school's out. more rejoicing across blue ash. she went back to bed. i finished getting ready, and here i am.

working on a snow day.
and the roads were not bad at all. maybe all those drivers having trouble are from arkansas.
j/k.
well, maybe not.

Brackets, Birthdays, Butterbeans, and Ear Stapling

I didn't print out a bracket this year. I must really be getting old. I did end up going to espn.com and signing up in one of their pool things. I made 2 brackets. As to tell the truth, I can't even remember who I picked to win it all. Probably Tennessee. And they're already out!

We went out with the gang for the Birthday bash last night. There were 6 couples and 3 kids and we invaded Red Robin at 6. Philliam and Stac-y got there at 530 to get us a table together, and they had to add it all together when we found out how many were there. We didn't sit down until almost 7, and then we didn't leave until 9. It was cool though. We got 4 free appetizers for them taking so long, then the 3 of us that had printed out our free birthday burger got that, and they brought the 6 of us with b-days a free sundae. It was a ton of fun. I really love my friends. For most of us, we don't have local family, so we are our families to each other. I have no doubt that if I needed anyone of them that they would have my back.

One of my biggest issues with the impending arrival of Butterbean is my wife's sense of smell. Apparently cooking is tough for her now, and I haven't felt much like cooking either, so we've been eating out WAY too much. And she has this point that she gets to, and has to stop. Usually she's only 1/3 of the way through her meal, which means I try and finish it. I think I've gained 7 pounds in the last 4 weeks. I'm totally serious. Maybe I should have my ears stapled.

The new "fad" amongst the ladies of New Antioch is to get their ears stapled. This bizarre thing apparently helps curb your appetite. When Kim told me today after my mom talked to her that mom and a bunch of ladies were going to get their ears stapled, I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. This is my mother, who has been "threatening" to get her ears pierced for 20 years, but chickens out. I think my sister has given her the money 3 or 4 times and she always backs out. But today, she and a bunch of ladies from church gathered at a beauty parlor (Goobertown doesn't have salons!) and for only $35, had their ears stapled. It hits some sort of pressure point. I googled it and found a tv news story in Texas about it. It's sweeping the south. I'm flabbergasted as to how my mother worked up the courage to have someone drive a staple into both of her ears. It sounds like something one of my teenagers would do. But we called later and she did it.
Crazy stuff. I guess if it works, and Kim keeps handing me her leftovers, I might be looking into it, too.

Really spilling the Butterbeans

Today was one of my favorite days of the year. It is also one of the longest, most tiring, most stressful, and all-around toughest days of the year.
That's right.
It was Dessert Auction Day.
Things went as smooth as ever, but a long day indeed.
We opened up to our church about Butterbean with a "Surprise Cake." Everyone cheered when I made the announcement. That made me feel great! We're going to welcome Butterbean into the world somewhere around October 8th.
Praise God!
And we raised close to $5000 today! AMAZING!

Spilling the Butterbeans

We called our families last night. Our parents knew of Butterbean, but our extended families didn't. I called my aunts and they were thrilled! My sister was so excited, and my brother was "just tickled to death!" Kim's brothers were equally happy...especially her brother Jeff. He was a little tipsy, so we'll see if he remembers the next time we talk to him.

This Sunday we'll spill the Butterbeans to our church. I'm so unbelievably excited!

Butterbean

And just like that.
There was Butterbean.

I love you, Butterbean, more than anything I've ever loved. I don't even know you, Butterbean, but God does, and that's all I need.

Tense days indeed, since Friday.
You see, we had our first appointment with the uh, you know, the doctor.
Our time tables slightly off, I came away with fright and paranoia. There was no audible sound to hear. A new appointment was set up for Thursday to see about you, my dear little Butterbean.

And then, we saw you. An inch long. With a flickering little light, called a heart. Beating rapidly at 184 bpm! And we loved you even more.
Our little Butterbean. I can't wait to meet you in person. Oh how I love you.
Your mommy is so happy.
Your daddy is so proud.
Relief, thy name is Jesus.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
Praise Him all creatures here below!
Praise Him above, ye heavenly hosts!
Praise Father Son and Holy Ghost!
Amen.

Our little Butterbean.

Scared

And since no one I know of reads this anyway, I need to vent a little.

I'm so scared. I never ever get scared. But I am now. 2 years of hoping. 2 years of praying. 2 years realized, and things may now be terribly wrong.

This will test my faith. This will test my patience. This will test whether or not God has given me His peace. I honestly do not know what to say or do right now. I'm super jacked up on anxiety, I haven't slept in 3 or 4 nights. Kim is sick. Even more stressful.

Stress is how we react to the factors in our lives that influence us. I'm not sure I can take much more.

I never ever thought I could be this scared.
P
R
A
Y.

The Story of the Four Lines

It's been 2 years. 2 Long years. I mean, really long years. In many ways, it's actually been more like 6 and a half years.
But I digress.
Then, the four lines. What are these four lines? We shall discuss them in detail much much later. For now is not the time to tell the tale of these four lines. They are and must remain mysterious, for that is what the four lines shall be.

I've been a little sleep deprived lately. Nonsensical sentences notwithstanding, my thoughts are more gibberish than usual. I think that'll be the new name of my blog. Nonsensical Sentences Notwithstanding. I have no idea what that means.
Story of my life. And the four lines.
Intrigued? Stay tuned.

"I'm not here to talk about the past..."

With those few words, Mark McGwire launched himself from first-ballot Hall of Fame status to the "Will he ever get in?" atmosphere.
Some of my studies lately have been about forgiveness. There's an interesting paradox between God's view of forgiveness and our own. We say, "Forgive and forget." But do we actually do that? The Psalms say that God has forgotten your sins as far as the east is from the west. Imagine that for a second. If you started walking east, and continued walking east, you would never ever stop walking east. There's a reason He didn't say as far as the north is from the south. If you started walking north, at a particular point, you would start heading south. But not with east and west. You would always be headed east.
But to me, the paradox comes here: We should never forget what we have been forgiven of. It's not like God is keeping some big record book up there, and says, "Well, TJ, you did this on September 30, 1994, so that's a date you need to watch out for." Of course it's not like that. But it is important for us to know what it feels like to be forgiven. Then and then only, are we free to be able to truly forgive others.
Let's just get this out of the way and make sure everyone knows...I'm a complete loser. I mess up probably 100 more times a day than most people. Therefore, I need forgiveness. I can actually understand forgiveness. Those who "never mess up" cannot. One of these days, they will mess up. How do I know? Because, "All have sinned; All have fallen short of God's glorious standard." There was only one perfect man on this earth, and He promised us to return again.

I hope that day comes soon.

Not too bad

everytime i overreact to the anxiety that creeps in...
you don't know what to say
you don't have any authority to say anything
you are a failure
what do you think you're doing?

the great I AM works things out. I AM give me the strength to finish this project and get it turned in. i forgot what a procrastinator i become when there's a deadline...

the big day

Well, it's here. I've known about this day for a couple months now. Lance always gives me a ton of time to prepare, and then it gets here and I still stress out. Woke up at 6 this morning. Anxiety kicked in overtime. Forced myself to stay in bed until 6:55. Kim's so supportive. She even woke up with me and quoted some scripture to calm me down. What a wonderful wife.

Did my usual routine of unlocking the building, turning the heat on, and starting the players. Checked my deal websites. And prayed. And studied. Oh well, if I don't know it now, I hope God leads the right words for me to say.

Pray.
tj

Wednesdays

I always get so pumped up for Wednesdays. It's the big night of the week for the Student Ministry. Over the last few months, we've had some kids who haven't grown up at MC coming...and that's a huge deal.

The last couple weeks, it's been harder to get pumped up. Mainly because I know we'll play the game, and everyone will get so jacked up, and then it's time for the lesson and they just tune me out. It's like they don't even care that I spend most of Tuesday and Wednesday preparing to teach them something about the Bible. It's not rocket science. I'm not asking for their first born....just their attention for about 45 minutes. And yet, it doesn't seem like that's remotely possible for them to give.
I went home all bummed out.
Luckily I have the best wife in the world, and she said, "You know what will cheer you up? Grading papers!" And you know what, it did. When you're stressed out about teenagers not caring about what it is that God wants them to know...grading first grade papers is pretty relaxing. They're so funny. Kim's been teaching them to write creatively this year, and they did all these papers about what Snowmen do at night. Most of them like to drink "cold cow-cow" and wear big sweaters. It's quite amusing.
And that's why we do this. The teens aren't any different than the first graders. We'll just have to figure out ways to keep them interested.
Pray hard.
tj