2006.

For the next few paragraphs, I'm going to attempt to capture as many of my feelings about 2006 as I can.

2006:
The year I grew up.
The year of joy.
The year of sorrow.
The year of melancholy.
The year of expectation.


It seems at times like only yesterday that we confided in our family and close friends that it was our desire to have a child, but God was somehow not listening, and we needed extra people to offer up their hopes, possibly to change His mind. But it wasn't yesterday. It was Christmas 2005. Because you see, the seeds for 2006 were planted long before 2006 ever took a tick of a clock. To accurately understand 2006, we need to rewind back to 2004.

From the beginning, we had said that we wanted to wait a while before having children. After all, once you have kids, they're always there. It will never be just the two of us again. So we prayed, and decided that five years was long enough to just enjoy each other's company. So around the fifth year of marriage, we began to pray for children, taking the necessary steps to make them possible. But we were not blessed with any impending bundles of joy. The sixth year of marriage rolled around, and we thought maybe we might need some medical help. So we sought out counsel and pharmaceutical jumpstarts that might multiply our family. No dice, as they say.
Having chosen not to air our laundry out for all to see, it was outwardly exciting to see others being blessed with children, while inwardly heartbreaking upon hearing any expectant news.
So after prayer between us, we decided to expand our circle a little bit, inviting our family and friends over Christmas to intercede on our behalf, with the hopes of having a blessing of our own.
God heard. And God blessed.
Just after Valentine's Day, we got the news in a random testing done upstairs of the 4102. We'd tested many times before only to end up a little more depressed. But this time Kim's tone was different. So different that we sat at the top of the stairs for at least 2 hours in disbelief. Is this how Mary felt when Gabe dropped the news on her?
After a couple of apprehensive weeks and our first doctor's appt, we let our close family in on the news.
Overjoyed! Ecstatic! Exhuberant! And all the other adjectives to describe how happy we were!

Then came March. My dad had long lamented that Virginia was the only state in the south (confederacy) that he had never been to. I wanted Dad to see Washington D.C., a place I have grown to love over the years. We finally worked it out for a Spring Break vacation to visit our nation's capital, with a bonus stop at Gettysburg on the way. But whoa. Kim was barely 2 months pregnant. Dad was advanced, and needed assistance at walking distances, and Mom, well, she was Mom.
But God provided. A wonderful trip. Good weather. Good company. Good attitudes. I pushed Dad all over Washington, Baltimore, and parts of Arlington in a borrowed wheelchair. We rode the subway and the bus. We parked at the US Capitol in the House Bulding parking, where I actually parked in the wrong spot and might have gotten towed if it weren't for Dad's disabled plates! :)
A wonderful vacation. Probably the best ever, aside from a slight scare Kim had on the way home which prompted us to drive all the way from Mt. Vernon back to Cincinnati in one day. We even celebrated Dad's 80th birthday with a burger at Red Robin again! Yeehaw!
Then came May! Hooray for my nephew's graduation! My entire family, together again. Mother, father, sister, brother, nieces, nephew, wife and unborn child. Kim's weekend/birthday, not so good as she contracted strep. Not good when you're 5 months pregnant. Nevertheless, we hightailed it back to Ohio for a Memorial Day party.
June 1 was the day to find out whether we were about to have a boy or a girl. Pink or blue. Dad was convinced we were having a boy, even so far as to always remind Kim to take care of "Junior." But as he said when I told him we were having a girl, "Well, I guess I was wrong."

Summer had arrived, which means TJ=busy. One final time to Centri-Kid at Georgetown College, the greatest campus to ever host a camp.
The phone call no one wants to hear.

My dad was no longer here with us, but in heaven with Jesus.

The night before, I'd talked to him. I told him I loved him. He told me he was tired. I told him he would be ok. He was ok. But I was not.
Father's Day. My first as a father, I said goodbye to my own.
Losing your dad is the ultimate flurry of emotions. You're happy because he was Christ's, but you're empty because he's gone. You're comforted because you mourn, but you're reluctant to let go.
Who knew how things would turn out when we learned of our impending arrival, took a grand vacay, and celebrated a graduation with all the family happy and together?
The rest of June and July were times of just going through the motions, or in my case, emotions. In July, after a quick trip to Arkansas to help Mom with some stuff, we headed to St. Louis for my cousin's wedding, hopefully donning a tux as a groomsdude for the final time. Spent a good deal of time with my cousin Jimmy, who then in August lost decades long battle with kidney disease, leaving behind a wife and 2 sons to grieve. Also we moved in July. Our moms packed and unpacked us. Much to our delight. Expanding the household means expanding your square footage. And with numerous gifts arriving by the truckload for our bundle, we needed the room. After 6+ years in the 4102, we moved across the parking lot to the 4064.
Also in August, Mt. Carmel ordained me to the ministry. A very emotional night, with powerful prayers and whispered thoughts of love. Honored. Humbled.

October 8th fast approaching.
But what's this? Labor pains on the evening of the 3rd? But no! Our girl was headed this way.
After a night without sleep. Pain for mother and child, Lydia Evangeline Johnston entered the world at 2 PM on October 4th, 2006, stealing her grandmother's birthday away, and stealing my heart with the first sight of her.

Visits from family and friends highlghted the next few weeks.
Then Thanksgiving. Our first road trip with Baby Girl.
Then Christmas.
A cavalcade of emotions.
I am now a father.
I am now fatherless (earthly).

God is good.
All the time.

And now we're right back where we started.
Plus one.
:)

Saw this on another blog and found it hilarious!

Talk about your bad luck reporting a news story.

Good Grief!

Sorry

Things have been busy lately, but what do you expect with a one-month old?

Here's a pic of her...and don't forget to check out my flickr page for more pics!
TJ
http://www.flickr.com/photos/55361524@N00/

hello everybody!

More pics

I'll be uploading more pictures to this site:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/55361524@N00/?saved=1

She's HERE!

Welcome to the world, Lydia Evangeline! We are so glad you're finally here!

God bless you, my little one.
10-4-06, 2:00 PM, all 6 lbs 10 oz, and 19 1/4 inches long!

You're a blessing to us already!

All the Pretty Horses

I thought of that phrase, "all the pretty horses" and wanted to title it, "all the preggy ladies" but thought that was just wrong.

Well, all the preggy ladies at our church have now had their babies, except us. Michael and Jennifer had their baby yesterday--another girl! That's 3 out of 4 babies so far in the last 2 months that's been girls. Katie Lynette is what they named her, which is also good because neither of those was one of the names we've considered. :) Kim says she's a big baby! She went to see them yesterday.

What else is going on? We had the lock-in Friday night and it was probably my favorite lock-in I've ever been to. I actually got to play games, including pinball and Golden Tee. Not exactly the most popular games amongst the teen crowd. I bet I played Golden Tee for an hour! It was fun. I got pretty good by the time I finished. When it was time to go home, I wasn't even tired. I slept from 7-noon, and then Kim and I had a good day of final running around. We finished putting things away in baby girl's room, and cleaned out the guest bedroom for our parents. It's still up in the air about when they'll come. I talked to my mom and she's getting more excited about the baby. Mom never was one to overly get excited about babies. I think because she had such a hard time with babies, she might be a little afraid to get too excited. Mainly because she knows the pain that comes in losing a child.
Not much else to write. We're just kind of in this limbo mode right now. Kim could go into labor anytime now, but it's weird. In a way, I'm ready because I want to see and hold her, but at the same time, I want her to wait until she's ready to come out...fully baked as we like to say.

Guess what I did today?

Once again proving that I'm not the smartest man in the world, I remembered as I left for work to get the roast out of the fridge and turn on the crock pot for our supper tonight. We have a meeting at 7, so it'll save us time to cook and such.

Well, I came home at 2ish to check and see how it was cooking.

Cold. What was wrong? Did our crock pot stop functioning since Sunday? Egad!

Nope. I just forgot to plug it up this morning.

Stupid me. Now it's cooking on "high" and should be done in 5-6 hours, instead of the 10-12 it would have taken. But that means it won't be done in time for our meeting, probably, so we won't get to eat until afterwards. And with a 37 week pregnant wife...well, let's just say we need food asap.

Anyhow, just another reason I'm not perfect, as if anyone didn't know that already.

21 days or so

We finished the nursery. I'll take some pics and try and get them up on here before too long.

After no telling how many trips out to B-R-U (Kim tells me I abbreviate everything these days w/e!), we hung stuff on the walls last night. She's got her mawmaw's crosstitch by the lightswitch, her wall hangings that go with her bedding above her crib, and some other stuff too.

Now all we need is a baby girl. I'm really getting excited. Ashley asked me tonight if I was ready to be a "dad." I mean, really ready.

I think I am. I've waited a really long time. And now I feel like I might be ready.
I know Kim's gonna be a fantastic mom. I just hope I can hold my end of the parenting deal up.

It's late. I need to sleep. Night.

with a big sigh

Breathe in.....


Breathe out....


Breathe in....


Breathe out....


Sorry, just practicing for the last night of baby class. Here's to hoping it's more worthwhile than the others. I'm come to the realization that I don't really like being in class, being taught things that I could just learn in books. I'm not a good student. Which is really scary if I ever decide when and where I'm going to go to school.
There is one reason I'm excited about going to class tonight. There are like 6 other couples in the class. One of the couples, Nick and Christine, sits next to us. They moved here in May, from up north somewhere, and their family is in Texas or somewhere. They literally have no one here. No family. No friends outside of work. We told them about Graeter's ice cream a few weeks ago, and last week Christine was by herself because Nick couldn't get out of work. Anyway, they live close to us. So tonight, I'm hoping that they'll join Kim and I at Graeter's after our last class, and we can invite them to church. But even more so, we can just start a friendship with them, so that there's someone here in town that they can call if they need anything. That's what being a good neighbor is all about, right? No strings attached.

I don't get a lot of opportunity to meet new people outside of church. I mean, I see the same people at the bank, at Kroger, and the lady who cuts my hair. But I don't really have a lot of outside contact. Kim gets some of it with her school buddies. I don't have that luxury. She goes out with her first grade team to breakfast about once a month and they laugh and talk about their students. Just kidding. Teachers never say anything about their students. Snicker, guffaw.

Anyways, prayers would be appreciated as we talk to Nick and Christine. They seem like good people...but I'm not sure they're the "churchy" type. We'll just have to see.

I picked up another book at Family the other day by one of my favorite speakers. Rob Bell, the pastor at Mars Hill Church in Grand Rapids, MI. His style of speaking is great. He's one of the few preachers I regularly download and listen to while I'm working. Anyway, his book is called Velvet Elvis and I really like it. If you're looking for a different kind of book, check it out.

On a different note, I had to have one of those conversations with a parent this morning that no one wants to have, but had to be done. Pray for that one, too. It went pretty well, but as a parent-to-be, I dread hearing those things that I had to relay. And I probably will. Just to keep things in perspective, it's going to be okay. Wrong choices don't always lead to wrong lifestyles. Sometimes they do, but it's best to nip them in the bud, as Barney Fife used to say.

Wow. From breathing exercises to Graeter's to preachers I like to Barney Fife. Talk about randomness.
I hate to be a comment freak, but if anybody's out there reading, I'd love your 2 cents on whatever you feel like.
Thanks for reading!
TJ

Stay or Leave?

So I've been listening to Dave Matthews a lot lately. One of the cds of his that I preordered, they sent me another cd with some of his live stuff on it. There's a version of his song, "Stay or Leave," which has one of those haunting guitar melodies that gets stuck in your head, and bounces around for a few days.

Now I'm not the biggest Dave fan in the world, that's for sure, but I really like the jam band style of music. His lyrics usually are about drugs or sex or something that completely goes against everything I hold true.

But on this song, there's a line that goes something like this:
"Wake up naked drinking coffee
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us"

Now, the wake up naked drinking coffee line isn't what I'm stuck on. It's the rest of the phrase:
Making plans to change the world while the world is changing us.

I think that's where most Christians are. We get so on fire to change the world, and then we look around and see that the world is changing us.
I really don't know where I'm going with this. Other than to note that I want to change the world, and yet I get caught up in what the world says is important, just like everyone else. And if you think peer pressure ends when your teen years are over...think again. I want a video ipod. Why do I want one? Because they're fashionable. Do I need one? Of course I don't need one. I want it, and therefore I've been saving to get one.
I'm beginning to think that there has to be an easier way of life. A key word in the Christian circles these days is missional. I've yet to read a definition that truly fits what it means, but from what I understand, it's being all things to all people, it's making the message of Christ relevant and easier for today's culture to understand.
And again we get a mixed message. Be all things to all people, but be in the world but not of it.

There are only a few things in life that my family really needs. Food. Water. Shelter. Basic utilities. Basic needs such as clothing and medicines. Insurance. I need an automobile for my job.
But then there's everything else I want. Cable, internet, a new computer, nice furniture, and the list goes on and on and on.

Maybe I'm becoming Amish. I don't know. The Lord has blessed me with enough money to do and have what my family needs and mostly what we want.

But I'd really like to be about that changing the world, without the world changing me business.

Things that frustrate me

the cable company
the phone company
the war between them and the poor souls trapped just wanting a phone!
wet sleeves
the smell outside my house
people you need to talk to not returning calls
running into people that you were supposed to call back...but didn't
highliters that don't highlite
myspace.com
mosquitoes
the cable company...wait...i already said that one...sorry t-roy...at least it's not your cable company!

Sugar and spice and everthing nice...

That's what little girls are made of.

Saturday, August 19th.

The crib is ready to go. The changing table is ready to go. The nursery is almost finished. As Kim said, "If she comes tonight, at least she'll have a place to sleep!"

Thanks to Chuck for helping when I came to the part of the instructions that said, "With the assistance of another person..." and looking at my 33 week pregnant wife...I said, "Maybe Chuck can come help for a bit."

Have I wrote about our crib? It's really really cool. Now it's a crib, but as she ages, it transforms like Optimus Prime into a day bed. Then as she outgrows that, it transforms like Megatron into a full-size bed. So, needless to say, unless we have other children who need a crib, this will be her bed until she moves out of our house!

I finally finished "To Own a Dragon" by Donald Miller. Never have I read a book that simultaneously breaks my heart while busting my gut. It was a tough finish after all that's happened this summer.

I want to post a little excerpt. I hope the copyright police don't bust me. I'll quote it to be safe:
To Own a Dragon by Donald Miller and John MacMurray.
Chapter eight: Making Decisions or How to Stay Out of Prison
"I was having trouble sleeping one evening, so I turned on Charlie Rose, who was interviewing this guy Salome Thomas-El. He was a black middle school teacher in Philadelphia, and he had a presence that made you respect him, a soft way with big words and the kind of peace that comes to a man when he has found himself, learned to love himself, and operates for the world out of strength.
Salome had started a chess club in his school, recruiting from the projects around the small campus. He told Charlie Rose what he wanted to teach these students was not how to play chess, necessarily, because chess doesn't really mean anything in the real world, but rather the art of making good decisions. He would walk up to kids hanging around outside a convenience store and ask them if they wanted to learn to play chess. Of course the kids said no, chess not being the most fashionable sport on the playground. So Salome would tell them that telling him no was a bad decision, that if somebody offers to teach you something, you should give that person respect, and ask more questions to find out if you might need this information in the future. That was a bad decision, Salome said to the kids, to dismiss me in that way. The kids didn't really know what to say, so they got tough, threatening him. Ah, Salome would say, another bad decision. I can see that, if you and I were playing chess right now, you would be losing, because in chess, you cannot make bad decisions and win. You have to make good decisions.
"Have any of you ever played chess? Salome asked.
"I know how to play chess," one of the kids answered.
"What is the legal move for a rook?" Salome asked the boy. The boy stood there silently until finally Salome spoke into his shifting eyes, "You are telling a lie, aren't you? You do not know how to play chess. A lie is another bad decision. If you knew how to play chess, you would not make so many bad decisions. you would know, intrinsically, the way to get ahead in life is to make good decisions. And so I will ask you again, and I want you to think about it for five seconds before you answer me. Don't answer right away, because this isn't wise. I want you to think about what I am going to ask you...
"Do you want me to teach you how to play chess?"
The children stood there, confused but interested, until one of them blurted out nervously, "Yes, I want to learn chess."
"Fine then. You have made a good decision. This is the first rule of chess. Make good decisions. The only possible way you can lose in chess, and for that matter in life itself, is to make bad decisions. If you do not make bad decisions, you will not lose in chess, or in life. And the more good decisions you make, the better your life will be. It is as easy as that. Who else would like to learn to play chess?" And of course, the kids belonged to Salome from then on, and he has influenced hundreds of children, lined up facing each other, their chess sets placed atop long tables, their hands quick to punch the timers, eight-year-olds, ten-year-olds, teenagers, playing men five times their age and beating them."

I think that's going to be our motto for the upcoming school year. Making Good Decisions.
Almost time for staff meeting. Time got changed from Mondays at 1 to Mondays at 10.
I think that was a good decision.

Back to reality at hand

Road trip to the STL went as well as it could have. Got to see my brother. I've now seen my brother more times since Christmas than I have in the past 10 years. And that number is 4 times. Our relationship is hard to understand. We're close...always knowing what's going on in the other's life (thanks to Mom) but we never see each other.

It was good to see my family again. We usually only see everyone at Thanksgiving, but with Dad's funeral, David's wedding, and Jim's funeral, it was another occasion to see everyone.

Trying to get things ready to go for the new school year. We're going to try some different stuff. I think it'll go well, just some i's to dot and t's to cross.

More later.
TJ

Another road trip

My cousin Jimmy passed away on Sunday.

Jimmy was my first cousin. The 2nd son of my dad's sister. One of those people that you literally knew all your life.

He'd been sick for quite a few years. They found out he was diabetic when they were expecting their first son, who is now 21 or 22. About 7 years ago, Jimmy had a kidney transplant. As with most transplants, it wasn't totally successful, but gave him a few more years with his family.

I sat with him and his wife, Teri, at the wedding July 15. We shared stories of our trips to DC, and I really enjoyed just visiting with him. He looked good, and seemed to be feeling well.

An infection later, he slipped into a coma. While in the coma, he had several strokes, which rendered massive brain damage and heart damage. He never regained consciousness, and passed away on Sunday.

So I'm driving back to St. Louis on Wednesday to say goodbye.

This has been a summer.

Dear God, I don't know Jimmy's eternal destination. You do. I hope he's there with you. Give me words of comfort for Teri, Matt, and Drew, and all of the rest of the family during this time. If Jimmy's up there, tell him to say hi to Dad for me.

Amen.

Okay. I get it. I'm old.

Only 4 years since I last went to King's Island, that magnificent roller coaster park about 15 minutes from my house. I wouldn't have gone this year, except Ashley gave me a couple free tickets, and I actually had been wanting to go, but couldn't bring myself to part with $40 or so.

So I picked up Proudfit at 930 and we made our way to the park. He had to be back by 3 to get ready for work, but with an overcast day at the end of summer, we didn't anticipate too heavy of a crowd. Sure enough, the lines weren't too bad. We decided to ride the Italian Job Stunt Track first, as neither of us had been there since it opened. Pretty cool setup. Three mini-coopers in a train, with 4 in each car. You launch out quick and do a corkscrew and a couple drops. Then it stalls out and a helicopter "shoots" at you and something blows up in front of you. Then you dive into darkness (I guess like the subway scene) and come roaring out of a billboard into a spray of water. It was a lot of fun, only over too quick.
We took to the Vortex next, and rode in the first car. Same classic ride as always. Ashley had said to recheck out Flight of Fear, which entered my banned list a few years ago when it shook the tar out of my neck. They had changed it up. So we did. And she was right, it wasn't as bad as I remember it. Next we went on the racer. First car. We barely could fit in the car. And it hurt. My arms kept banging down on the safety bar. And my hips got bruised from being wedged in too tight. By now, I was beginning to regret spending my day off at KI. But we went on to ride Top Gun. First car again, and a smooth ride. I timed it. 47 seconds once you reach the top of the hill until you stop. Not exactly a record-breaker.
We decided to eat, so we went to Skyline. Not sure about the choice, but it was one of the more economical places. I had mentioned Tomb Raider, since I'd never rode it. Matt said it was fun, so we went over there. Tomb Raider is really hard to explain, but I'll try. You're in stadium seating, on a platform, strapped in. This is a good thing. because you start moving all around and flipping upside down, and literally hanging upside down for a good 10-15 seconds, putting way too much pressure on your neck and face. Ack! After this, both Matt and I were ready to go. In pain, tired of walking around in a misty mess, seeing people with way too many tatoos in way too many places that shouldn't be seen in public.
All in all, a good day at KI, but I'm still a little sore. And I have a slight tummy ache. Probably from Skyline.

We saw our baby yesterday. She has grown oh so much! The doctor said she was up to 4 pounds and 5 ounces! She said she was in the 65th percentile, so a little above average when it came for babies. She's still projecting out to October 8th, so hopefully things continue to go well for both mom and baby girl.

We had baby class last night. I must say that I wasn't that thrilled with our class. We have the save-a-baby class on Saturday and breastfeeding/baby care basics on Monday night. Then 4 more weeks of baby class (Lamaze) on Thursdays. Maybe I'm just getting really anxious.

Night club tonight. Domino city! Got to get our food ready to take. I'm gonna make a red beans and rice concoction.
Later!
TJ

Seeing Her

Headed out in a few for another appointment...another sonogram. I never get tired of seeing her on the screen. I'm just getting anxious to see her in person and hold her in my arms...

Steak day today, then Cards vs. Reds, part IV. Cards took the first one, only to have the Reds rally back and take the next two. Can we break even? Do I feel guilty taking a free ticket from the Reds to root for the Cards? Maybe a little...

Baby class number 2 tonight. I missed last week due to SMASH, so I'll have some catching up to do. Saturday is another baby class, and Monday another.

Tomorrow--King's Island! I haven't been in 4 years, and wouldn't be going this year except Ashley gave me 2 free passes! I asked Proudfit, as he's headed back to school next week, and I'd like to spend a little more time with him. He's one of the first youth I ever rode rides with out there, and I'm really excited. I wish Kim could go, but it wouldn't be much fun for her not being able to ride any rides.

Well, she's just about ready to go. I've been sleeping hard this week, for short amounts of time, then nearly crashing in the afternoon.

Can't wait to see my baby. Prayers for continued good development are appreciated!

TJ

Anniversaries

Today is the anniversary of the day my life changed forever. It's hard to believe 7 years have passed since the lovely Kim Wyatt became my wife. We have such a role reversal from most couples, in that I'm the sappy nostalgic one, and she's not.

Every year, I try and make her watch the video of our wedding on our anniversary, and she tries to get out of it. I guess because it's so long, and she's right, it is a long wedding.

Things are just so different now. Our baby girl on the way. Dad gone home to Jesus. And oh yeah, my ordination service was last night. Wow. It was so emotional and draining. Most ministers are ordained at their home churches before they start their official ministry. I've been doing ministry here for 6 and a half years. I had 6 and a half years worth of people who have influenced me, whisper prayers over me, give me strong verses of encouragement, and shed tears of joy for the occasion. I was a blubbering mess. It came out that eventually, we're going to leave them, and I think they understood. Not tomorrow, but eventually. All things change...go through transitions. God didn't want us to stay the same. He loves us just the way we are, He just refuses to leave us that way. He wants us to change, to grow, to seek out all of the things He's doing.

But going back to the first part...today is a wonderful day. Our parents left a little while ago, headed back to Arkansas. We probably won't see them until the baby comes now, as Kim can't travel anymore. Only about 9 weeks more to go until our little baby girl makes her presence known. The church had Kim's shower on Saturday. I heard from so many people that it was the largest shower they'd ever attended. It took my truck, Kim's aunt's SUV, and the trunk of another car to get all the stuff home. I seriously don't know what we're going to do with everything! And 98% of everything is pink! I love it! My mother did better this time, emotionally. Prayerfully, each time I'm around her, things do get a little easier. Because Kim's aunt was here, if we went anywhere we had to take 2 cars, and mom rode with me most of the time. This gave us a good chance to talk.
Well, I guess I'd better go get a shower...then wake up my bride on the 7th anniversary of the day we said "I will" 3 times.
Hey, now I can marry people. Alright! I'll have to look into that!

Asking for directions

Watch out!

The New Busch. On a day with a heat index of 104, and a 7 month pregnant wife.

Man, does she love me.

TJ

I feel like Summer I is over and we're about to start Summer II

Well, where do I start?
My dad died while I was at Centri-Kid in KY. I had talked to him the night before. I told him I loved him. He told me he loved me and was proud of me.
And even though I'm a church guy, and know where my dad is. It still hurts. Little things set me off into a sniffling mess. Like today, I just walked by the wheelchair we borrowed from the church when we went to DC. I put my hands on it and pretended I was pushing Dad all over DC again. The last vacation he ever took. And all he cared about the whole time was how Kim was doing with the baby.

My dad was the single greatest influence in my life. And now he's gone. Not forgotten, but gone.

And on top of that whirlwind trip to Arkansas, when everything was still shocking, what with my family all there, and Mom to be comforted, it's only really starting to sink in that he's gone. I mean, I know when we walk in to that house, he's not there, but the idea that I'll never hear his voice, or see his smile, or hear him sneeze 10 times and scream it out...or never to tease him about eating chocolate or have him squeeze me in one of those long embraces where we don't want to let each other go....that hurts. It hurts so bad. I can't describe it.

And yet, God.

Oh, my sweet Lord. I need thee ev'ry hour.

I thought I could get through this post. I guess I was wrong.
I'll try again soon, maybe.

My favorite picture in the world...

Victory!

I've never felt this way before.

I'm sad, yet I'm happy.
I'm sorrowful, yet I'm joyful.
I am in anguish, yet I am comforted.


At some point last night while he slept, my daddy closed his eyes here and opened them in heaven.

And while my heart is broken, and my spirit is weak, I am comforted that he knew Jesus, and lived his life for Him, so he will never stop living.

The next few days, weeks, months, even years will be tough.

Yet God is still in control, working His master plan for all of us for His good and His glory.
Dad just entered God's eternal home, and I'll miss him. Oh I will miss that old white haired man who told silly jokes and loved children and the St. Louis Cardinals.
And I know I'll post more about him in the next few posts, but for now.

Mourn and rejoice! He is not here! He is risen! His spirit lives on in our hearts.

I love you all.
Please remember our family in this time.

TJ

Don't have much time, but wanted to shout it out

It's 11:22 and it's been a long day. Jim's snoring in the bed behind me, so I'm typing as quietly as I can.

2 salvations tonight...Griffin and Trey. That's right. Trey.

Griffin was first. Today's theme was "Choose Jesus," and they hammered it home all day. They heard it in Quiet time, "I can't Wait!," Bible Study, REC, Track Time, and Worship. And I topped it off presenting the ABC's in Church group time. I stressed that any kid that wanted to talk about becoming a Christian, I wanted them to talk to an adult. Griffin said as we walked out the door that "he wanted to talk more when we got back to the condo." I assumed he meant the dorm, but we only went a few feet out the door, when he told me that he wanted to be baptized. This is the kid that was crying because he didn't want to leave his dad yesterday when we left! And about 30 hours later, he was wanting to start a relationship with Jesus. We stopped right there and went over the ABC's with a hybrid Roman road. He said he understood, so I led him in the sinner's prayer! Another party in heaven! Woo hoo!
We called his mom on the spot to let her know what we had talked about! It was great!
And my arm is covered in sharpie...I digress. More about that one tomorrow.

After the party time, there was some free time and Trey got into it with Pam because she wouldn't allow him to spend any more of his money. I backed her up, and he stormed off, doing his sullen walk. I let him know that if that's the way he wanted to act, he needed to go back to his room. He ran into new Terry on the way, had the same talk I had had, and Terry told him to go to his room, as well. After a long talk with Kim re: my dad, and some boys throwing rocks and sand at our girls, I made it back to the dorm to find Trey and Griffin and 2 staffers playing a game out front. Trey wouldn't even look at me. I asked him if he was still mad. He said he was, so I made him head on up to his room, where he slammed the door. I waited a few minutes, and went in to talk to him. The conversation was about our anger and healthy ways to control it. But then it morphed into talk about his grandma who passed away earlier this year, the one who brought him to church, and his mom who is in jail. We talked about what it meant to be a Christian, and I asked if he thought he was one. I asked if he wanted to be, and then we talked about his grandma in heaven. After some more conversation, I told him how easy it was to become a Christian. He agreed and prayed the Sinner's Prayer, and now he's living, and he's never going to stop! Woo hoo, double time!

As I said, it's late, and I need to finish getting ready for bed. 6:30 comes early!
Feel free to comment as anonymous, if you want!
Good night from G'town!
TJ

Did you know if you push the shift key five times in a row, it activates "sticky keys"?

I found that out the other day. My computer lets out this funny little noise, and sends me a popup. I don't know what "sticky keys" are, but it sounds delicious.

Reflections since June 1:
Going to have a baby girl. Daddy's little girl. Will have to pay for a wedding one day (hopefully). Will have to buy prom dresses and such. Will be subjected to soccer?!? Never. Just kidding. Will have to buy a shotgun. Not kidding. Any boys out there think I'm joking, just come on by.
She'll be my angel. I hope she looks just like her mommy, 'cause if she looks like me, that'd be one funny looking girl, what with the balding and all.

Friday, Nerdawg got a crew together and we cleaned out the Billie. Way overdue! We took all the seats out. Then we cleaned all the windows inside. Then we picked up as much trash as we could. Then Chuck brought his leaf blower up and we blew all the dirt and stuff we couldn't pick up out the back. Then Nerdawg mopped it. Then we took the hose and washed it out. Then I drove it really fast so the water would go out. Then we washed the outside top to bottom. Props to Nerdawg, Justin and Jenn Eaton, and Melissa for coming to do this!

Student Sunday! Where do I begin? EVERYONE was there on time (save 2 brothers who shall remain nameless...cough...wesleybradleybarnette...or maybe not). I walked around to all the classes and peeked in. Everyone's classes went incredibly well! All the adults were raving about the students preparation and guiding of the lessons! And if that was the only thing awesome about the day, that would be enough.
But wait, there's more!
Worship service kicked off with Dallas playing the prelude. As soon as her accompaniment track started, I knew it would be a monumental day in the history of worship at Mt. Carmel. She nailed it on her viola or violin or whatever it is she plays! Walley had the invocation, and then the Youth Choir rocked us with the call to worship. After a brief mixup on my part, we had Graduate Recognition. 8 of the 13 graduates were there. I was pleased to present them with their copies of The Message. Mike B was reading his almost the whole service.
After that, the youth band led basket auction, but I checked in from time to time and Lance was on fire in his sermon!
I was worried after such an incredible service, we wouldn't have a good attendance at the auction, but was I ever wrong!
We had just the right amount of food for the snack luncheon, and we had 25 baskets to auction off! The highest one (which included a week in Florida at one of our ladies' place) went for $400! A record for Basket Auction!
Overall, we raised over $2100 on the baskets, which translated to $60 per kid! The guys and girls did a great job cleaning up and all.
Several students are paid for for Fuge now. Several still owe some. If they worked all three fundraisers, they only owe like $13 for Fuge. At $325 for camp, only having to pay $63 is pretty awesome if you ask me.
Our church has always supported our youth, and this year has been no exception. It's a blessing to be a part of a family that values its young people!

Now it's off to Centri-Kid for the week. I love Georgetown. They treat the adults like kings! And the kids have a great time! I'll try and post some updates this week at camp. I'm taking the church's laptop to try and keep current.

Have a great week!
TJ

Moment of Truth

Well, here it is! We're having a
















G
r
e
a
t

Looking

















B
a
b
y






















Girl!

And I love her. And I don't even know her, yet. But I love her more than anything.

Butterbean or Butterbette?

I can't claim that one. Someone else said it. I don't know who, off the top of my head, but thanks to whoever it was.

Tomorrow's the big day. XX or XY? Blue (ash) or Pink? Baseball or softball (but never soccer;)! Kim's feeling somewhat better. She went to our family dr. yesterday and paid him $20 to tell her she still has the same stupid virus and it has to run its course. She goes back to the family dr today to get a form filled out for working this summer. And then to the OB tomorrow. Can you say, lab coat oversaturation? We've had a couple peaceful nights lately where she starts feeling the baby flutter around inside her. A few more weeks and I'll be able to feel the soft kicks and moves as well. 21.5 weeks in and I'm really starting to get excited. We've passed the halfway point and it's all downhill from here.

I started the latest Donald Miller book about growing up without a father. I can't relate to everything he talks about, having grown up with a great dad. But it forces me to really see what it might be like to not have one.
My plecostamus (sp.) just made a huge splash in my tank. He's a monster now. Phil's tank pump died, so he gave me his 4 fish, so my school's back up to 8 again. And now I have 2 sucker fish! So if you're keeping score at home:
1 White Skirt Tetra (wimpy fish)
1 Black Skirt Tetra (he and the whitey ate his counterpart a couple weeks ago--he's huge!)
1 Headlight/Taillight Tetra (had since January 05!)
1 Monster Plecostamus
and from Phil's tank
2 Black/Gold Mollies (2nd generation--he actually had them since birth!)
1 Zebra Danio (patroller of the tank--picked up where my suicidal rainbow shark used to lord)
1 Plecostamus (a ways to go to equal the monster's size)

What a random post. And for that matter, a random day.
First Mall supper tonight...a 3rd year tradition that hopefully keeps going strong!

Speed bumps

Why do they put speed bumps in the most inappropriate places? I mean, surely they know that I need to zip through that parking lot as fast as I possibly can, right?

I think God knows we move constantly at breakneck speed. Every now and then, He throws a few speed bumps in our path to reel us in and help us to focus on what's important...His glory.

Take for instance this week. Being gone over the weekend, I got behind, and sitting with the boys has abbreviated all of my days this week. But I have finished everything I needed to. And I've avoided all the little sidetraps that often compete for my attention. About the only regret about this week so far has been my having to miss my morning Bible Study that I am so enjoying.
I finished another book. World record reader pace for the ADD poster child I am. I highly reccommend Blue Like Jazz and Searching for God Know's What, both by Donald Miller. I wonder if he's kin to Craig? Arkansas shout out!
Alan suggested reading these in his ever so subtle (I think you should read these!) way, and I thank him for his endorsement. I value his friendship more and more everyday, as I do with all of my friends.
The longer I do what I do, I'm convinced that relationships are the key to fulfilling Christ's goals for His church. God wired us to be relational. We were meant to be in groups, interacting with one another. The major theme I've been convicted of lately is the theme of disconnect. And explaining what I mean by that word is more difficult than I wish it was. I just sense this world moving towards a total disconnect with one another. A looking out for number one mentality, so that we don't give a flying flip about our neighbor. And this is completely contrary to Jesus' commands: "Love the Lord" and "Love your neighbor."
Wouldn't the world be a better place if you told someone you would pray for them and actually did it? I'm so guilty of that one. I have good intentions. But given a rock and good intentions, see which one breaks the window. I wish people would just do a better job of listening to people. Connect with their hearts. Talk about stuff that matters, not petty drivel or meaningless chatter designed to feign interest.
Wow. I'm a nutter budder.
And I'm late. So much for that speed bump.

Mpacting

I call our Wednesday night crowd time MPact. I know it's a ripoff of everybody else's, but I always have liked the seriousness of the word. My prayer has always been that this world will be impacted by what takes place here at Mt. Carmel.

Last night, it was. For the first time in a long time, we felt like a Student Ministry, and not just a Student Group. There was the opening volleyball game. Lots and lots of laughter. Unusual for this time of year. But refreshing.
Then there was our Crowdbreaker. I admit I borrowed it from Group Magazine. I had them design their own icons on an index card, like on a computer screen. Then on the back I had them write what happens when you right click on their icon. "Opens With": What gets you going? "Scan" What's the first thing people notice about you at first? "Create Shortcut" What one word describes you best? "Rename" If you could change your name or location, what or where would it be? Why? "Copy" Who is your idol or role model? Why? "Properties" Write 3 things about your past or family heritage that have helped shape who you are.
They grumbled and fussed. They hate doing work, but it turned out great. We shared our icons and what they meant, then we shared our "Create Shortcut" answers. Over the next few weeks, we'll share all our "Right Clicks."

Then the Junior High went to their class, and Senior High stayed with me. I explained that we were trying something different. I introduced the topic, about how we are not of this world. How this world is only temporary, and how we need to keep our eyes focused on the future glory Christ has prepared for us. After this, we watched a film clip from the movie, Aeon Flux, then we began a discussion. We read passages from I John and I Peter. The discussion was incredible. I heard kids say the most mature things to come out of their mouths in months. Even after the lesson, I had a student come and call me out on something I said, and he was 100% correct. I flippantly responded to something someone had said, and it was rude. I apologized and was forgiven. Maturity is showing up.
At least it did last night. The constant battle to keep my cynicism from overtaking my faith is a struggle, but nights like last night reinforce how Christ works, whether I allow Him to or not.

Feeling better about the next 2 weekends. Still lots to do and take care of, but shouldn't be a problem.
Kim's well. We heard the Butterbean again. Well, the doctor heard the Butterbean, and said he/she sounded great. We didn't actually make it out, but I trust the doctor. This is the third of 5 doctors that might deliver our baby. I liked her. Kim liked her, too, but she still likes Doc #2 better. I could care less. I just want my wife healthy and happy, and our baby healthy and happy too.
Woot! 8 weeks til Fuge. 23 weeks 'til Butterbean!
And oh yeah, as long as the Bean is cooperative, we'll find out boy vs. girl on June 1. Woo hoo!
Better actually get some work done! Today is Steak Day/Pay Day! Double Woot!

Friday, I'm in Love!

Went fishing yesterday afternoon and this morning. Total fish count: 2. Very small bluegill. But I got to get outside for awhile.

Geocaching is a sport I love, but only with other people. Fishing is a sport I love, but mostly by myself. Both involve spending time in parks. Both need good weather. But there's an intrinsic difference in the goal.

Going to the Reds' game tonight. Woo hoo! Beat them 'Stros!

A Quick note

I've been reading lately.

I used to read a lot in high school, but in college I got away from it when my social life picked up. But soon to be an official dad, I've been perousing lots and lots of books. I've always been a magazine sort of guy, but lately I've gravitated towards books.
I guess I just need to be ready.

Why do Easter Bunnies hide eggs, anyway?

T minus 5 days and counting until my favorite holiday of the year...Easter.

I never realized how much Easter meant to me until I was in high school, and had to work on Easter Sunday. I missed out on the big crowd at church. You know, when everybody you haven't seen since Christmas shows up. I missed out on the fun Easter songs that you sing only on Easter Sunday, like "Up From the Grave He Arose!" and "He Lives!" and many many others. Growing up in a small country church gave me perspective on the whole Easter Sunday thing.
When I was 7, we got a new pastor, Bro. James Wells. On the Sunday night before Easter, he came to talk to our Training Union class. Training Union is apparently now an archaic dinosaur that was really the predecessor to "Small Groups." We met each Sunday night at 6 for Training Union, just like we met for Sunday School at 10 in the morning. We studied in depth particular topics, even when I was 7. Needless to say, we never had as many kids for Training Union as we had for Sunday School. I think there may have been 5 or 6 of us. Bro. Jim talked to us about Jesus, and how He came to die for all of us kids so that we could be in heaven one day. He talked about trusting Jesus with our lives, our hearts, every thing we had.
After Training Union and the PM service, as we were walking out, shaking the preacher's hand, I just remember going to him and saying that I wanted to become a Christian. I wanted Jesus to live in my heart. He took me back in to the steps where we knelt, and he quoted some Scripture passages from Romans to me. I especially remember Romans 10:13--"For whosoever shall call upon the Name of the Lord shall be saved."
I called that night.
And I was saved.
He explained to me what to do next. On the following Sunday, when he gave the "invitation" I needed to walk down that aisle and let the church know that I had been saved. At 7, I had little to no fear whatsoever, and did just that. On Easter Sunday, 1982, I walked the aisle and let my church know what Jesus had done for me.
Being a small country church, we didn't have a baptistry. When people got saved at New Antioch, we usually called up Brookland Baptist to see if we could have a joint evening service with them. I guess we called them and got it set up because the following Sunday night, we journeyed the 2 or 3 miles down the road to join up for a baptism service, where me, Dale Burleson, 12, Matt Mink, 9, and Michael Willey, 9, were baptized.

Dale's family wasn't the most stable. He had a hard time throughout school, and never really much came to church after that. I never really knew him, but I know Matt really looked up to him. Dale was killed in a car crash either when he was about to graduate high school, or just thereafter.
Michael became addicted to drugs while in middle school. He lived with his grandparents, and they sent him away to a rehab center/boarding school. He visited occasionally over the next few years, but we really lost contact. I heard he's living in Virginia or somewhere and doing well with a family of his own.
Matt grew on up at New Antioch with me. He was at church every Sunday, just like me, but he was there because his family made him come. After graduation, he came less and less frequently, and eventually married a girl from Jonesboro. I think they're living in Little Rock now and doing well, attending a church there.

But I do love Easter. I can't remember the exact reasons why I gave my life to Christ 24 years ago. Who knows what goes through a 7 year old's mind? I like to think it has to do with the Easter story.
The greatest story ever told.
We should all tell this story.
Over and over again.

Tell me the story of Jesus. Write on my heart every word. Tell me the story most precious. Sweetest that ever was heard.

Dude. I got a Dell. And a heartbeat.

When I walked into my office after vacation, I noticed things were awry. The first clue was the big Dell box in my floor, then I noticed a new flat panel monitor. Then I noticed a new black Dell E310 Dimension on top of my old 'puter. Yippee! After 6 years, with a couple of updates, I finally got a new computer! Dangit! After 6 years, I had a TON of stuff on my old 'puter, including stuff I needed for Sunday. Oh well, easily remedied. Just time consuming. I rehooked my old puter up today and copied it all to the server, but I can't seem to get to the right drive from my new computer. I'll figure it out. Or I'll just make Phil do it.

We had the big "It's time to hear the heartbeat!" appointment for the bean yesterday. By all accounts of these pregnancy sites, the bean should be about 3.5 inches long by now. So not so much a bean anymore, but anyways. Dr. Roberts came in. Immediately, we liked her. She made some small talk, Kim asked her questions, and then out came the little fetal doppler thingy onto the belly. After a few moves around, Dr. Roberts says, "You've got quite a little mover! Listen to that good strong heartbeat!" And it was there. Ka-thump-a-thump-a-thump-a- thump. And I smiled.
And Kim smiled.
And Kim would laugh, and make the thing go, "WOOOOOOOO" and nearly deafen us.
And it was real.

Sunday we sang "The Heart of Worship" and it meant something to me like never before. When we first saw Butterbean, there was a little light flickering. That was the baby's heart. We were actually looking into our child's heart. In "The Heart of Worship," there's a line that goes, "You're looking into my heart."
That's what God does. He looks into our hearts. Physically, we were looking into Butterbean's heart, and marvelling. God looks into our hearts and knows what we feel. Our fears, our sins, our strengths, our passions.
This having a baby thing is very spiritual. I guess I wasn't as prepared for that as much as I thought I would be.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
Praise Him all creatures here below!
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host!
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost!
Amen.

Short but sweet

This will precede a much longer post, one I will write when I get a little more caught up after the breakest of springs.

The trip was fine. Dad's old. Mom's older than I thought. Kim's pregnant. So all of these conspired against seeing everything I would have liked to. But that was okay.

Aside from a slight scare from Kim heading home, the trip was absent of malcontent. Mom and I generally got a long better than I thought we would.

They left this morning to head back to Arkansas. When they leave, or we leave from a visit, it gets harder and harder every time to say goodbye.

I'll post some pics when I have some time. This week is going to be a killer.
TJ

Vay-cay-shun

Spring Break is upon us! Hip Hip Hooray! Hip Hip Hooray! Hip Hip Hooray!
Leaving frigid Cincy in the AM for somewhat more springy Washington DC.
"And monkey's brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine are not often found in Washington DC!"
Bonus points if you know the movie!

Well, not a lot to say. Mom and Dad are here, and so far, no major fights!
Hopefully there won't be any for the next 10 days or so!

That's all for now. Maybe I'll get some good photos and post them when we return.

snow day

another snow day for the tri-state. and just for the record, just how many "tri-states" are there? when i lived in jonesboro, we got the memphis tv stations and they referred to their area as the "tri-state" which included western tn, eastern ark, and ne miss. then i move to cincy and they call this the "tri-state" because of nky, swohio, and seindiana. does new york city refer to itself as the "tri-state" because of nj, ny, and conn? these are things that keep me up at night.

speaking of which, shout out to t-roy for being my first commenter on the butterbean blog! thanks, bro. you're one in a million!

speaking of keeping me up at night, yesterday was my birthday. a little anti-climatic this year due to the whole butterbean arrival countdown, but still a great day. we went to lunch with the staff for mine and philliam's b-days at olive garden. everyone kept going on and on about how we chose olive garden instead of some steak and potatoes joint. as phil told them, "we have class and couth." just because we watch wrestling and monster trucks doesn't mean we don't enjoy a nice chianti with our veal marsala. j/k on that last one. i don't even know what a chianti or veal marsala tastes like, but i'm sure they're good.
anyhoo, we did the day as normal after that, and kim was planning to take me out to supper with neil and emily for my b-day. i went online to fishbowl.com last week and signed up for all the birthday mailer lists through my new junk email (blueashtj@gmail.com) and was able to sift through the various offers of free desserts and entrees and the like. i chose famous daves, but as i was reading the posts on the slickdeals.net site, i found that our fd's in springdale had closed! poppycock! now i had to choose a new restaurant. i chose texas roadhouse, because they sent me 2 things...a free cactus blossom, or a free appetizer. kim informed me that the cactus blossom thingy didn't expire until april 16th, so i'll wait on that one. neil and emily liked cheese fries, so we got those and they were good. i was a little (dawson) leery because of my experiences with the loaded fries at italianette (explosive is the only word that comes to mind), but they were good in moderation. i caved in and upgraded to the 11-oz sirloin, and finished it. it was a good steak. then we went back to the house and had a coldstone birthday ice cream cake. dang it was good. yellow cake with butterfingers and cake batter ice cream all layered up. mmmmmm...cake.....

i didn't fall asleep until around 1150, and the white death was supposd to start around midnight, but it hadn't started at around 330, which is when the indigestion hit. the quick pepcid chewable took that problem and smashed its face in, and i read for about a half hour. then at 6, as i was snoozing away, the phone rang and it was the calldown for teachers. 90 minute delay was the cry. i think i heard teachers rejoicing across the city. i had to wake up cranky, even though she said she was awake and she had to make her call. that's some sort of psycho thing that teachers have to endure on snow days, is to receive a call at an unfortunate hour and then make a call to pass the word on. i think they should just whisper the message, and have them pass it on like that old game telephone. anyway, now i was really awake. the tv went on as we searched the surrounding schools and the various delays. finally there it was...sycamore community schools 90 minute delay. the phone call was justified. the alarm was set for 730, so kim decided to set hers for 730 as well. hers went off about a minute before mine. i got up and went to the shower. as i started the water, i heard a commotion in the bedroom. another call. school's out. more rejoicing across blue ash. she went back to bed. i finished getting ready, and here i am.

working on a snow day.
and the roads were not bad at all. maybe all those drivers having trouble are from arkansas.
j/k.
well, maybe not.

Brackets, Birthdays, Butterbeans, and Ear Stapling

I didn't print out a bracket this year. I must really be getting old. I did end up going to espn.com and signing up in one of their pool things. I made 2 brackets. As to tell the truth, I can't even remember who I picked to win it all. Probably Tennessee. And they're already out!

We went out with the gang for the Birthday bash last night. There were 6 couples and 3 kids and we invaded Red Robin at 6. Philliam and Stac-y got there at 530 to get us a table together, and they had to add it all together when we found out how many were there. We didn't sit down until almost 7, and then we didn't leave until 9. It was cool though. We got 4 free appetizers for them taking so long, then the 3 of us that had printed out our free birthday burger got that, and they brought the 6 of us with b-days a free sundae. It was a ton of fun. I really love my friends. For most of us, we don't have local family, so we are our families to each other. I have no doubt that if I needed anyone of them that they would have my back.

One of my biggest issues with the impending arrival of Butterbean is my wife's sense of smell. Apparently cooking is tough for her now, and I haven't felt much like cooking either, so we've been eating out WAY too much. And she has this point that she gets to, and has to stop. Usually she's only 1/3 of the way through her meal, which means I try and finish it. I think I've gained 7 pounds in the last 4 weeks. I'm totally serious. Maybe I should have my ears stapled.

The new "fad" amongst the ladies of New Antioch is to get their ears stapled. This bizarre thing apparently helps curb your appetite. When Kim told me today after my mom talked to her that mom and a bunch of ladies were going to get their ears stapled, I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. This is my mother, who has been "threatening" to get her ears pierced for 20 years, but chickens out. I think my sister has given her the money 3 or 4 times and she always backs out. But today, she and a bunch of ladies from church gathered at a beauty parlor (Goobertown doesn't have salons!) and for only $35, had their ears stapled. It hits some sort of pressure point. I googled it and found a tv news story in Texas about it. It's sweeping the south. I'm flabbergasted as to how my mother worked up the courage to have someone drive a staple into both of her ears. It sounds like something one of my teenagers would do. But we called later and she did it.
Crazy stuff. I guess if it works, and Kim keeps handing me her leftovers, I might be looking into it, too.

Really spilling the Butterbeans

Today was one of my favorite days of the year. It is also one of the longest, most tiring, most stressful, and all-around toughest days of the year.
That's right.
It was Dessert Auction Day.
Things went as smooth as ever, but a long day indeed.
We opened up to our church about Butterbean with a "Surprise Cake." Everyone cheered when I made the announcement. That made me feel great! We're going to welcome Butterbean into the world somewhere around October 8th.
Praise God!
And we raised close to $5000 today! AMAZING!

Spilling the Butterbeans

We called our families last night. Our parents knew of Butterbean, but our extended families didn't. I called my aunts and they were thrilled! My sister was so excited, and my brother was "just tickled to death!" Kim's brothers were equally happy...especially her brother Jeff. He was a little tipsy, so we'll see if he remembers the next time we talk to him.

This Sunday we'll spill the Butterbeans to our church. I'm so unbelievably excited!

Butterbean

And just like that.
There was Butterbean.

I love you, Butterbean, more than anything I've ever loved. I don't even know you, Butterbean, but God does, and that's all I need.

Tense days indeed, since Friday.
You see, we had our first appointment with the uh, you know, the doctor.
Our time tables slightly off, I came away with fright and paranoia. There was no audible sound to hear. A new appointment was set up for Thursday to see about you, my dear little Butterbean.

And then, we saw you. An inch long. With a flickering little light, called a heart. Beating rapidly at 184 bpm! And we loved you even more.
Our little Butterbean. I can't wait to meet you in person. Oh how I love you.
Your mommy is so happy.
Your daddy is so proud.
Relief, thy name is Jesus.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
Praise Him all creatures here below!
Praise Him above, ye heavenly hosts!
Praise Father Son and Holy Ghost!
Amen.

Our little Butterbean.

Scared

And since no one I know of reads this anyway, I need to vent a little.

I'm so scared. I never ever get scared. But I am now. 2 years of hoping. 2 years of praying. 2 years realized, and things may now be terribly wrong.

This will test my faith. This will test my patience. This will test whether or not God has given me His peace. I honestly do not know what to say or do right now. I'm super jacked up on anxiety, I haven't slept in 3 or 4 nights. Kim is sick. Even more stressful.

Stress is how we react to the factors in our lives that influence us. I'm not sure I can take much more.

I never ever thought I could be this scared.
P
R
A
Y.

The Story of the Four Lines

It's been 2 years. 2 Long years. I mean, really long years. In many ways, it's actually been more like 6 and a half years.
But I digress.
Then, the four lines. What are these four lines? We shall discuss them in detail much much later. For now is not the time to tell the tale of these four lines. They are and must remain mysterious, for that is what the four lines shall be.

I've been a little sleep deprived lately. Nonsensical sentences notwithstanding, my thoughts are more gibberish than usual. I think that'll be the new name of my blog. Nonsensical Sentences Notwithstanding. I have no idea what that means.
Story of my life. And the four lines.
Intrigued? Stay tuned.

"I'm not here to talk about the past..."

With those few words, Mark McGwire launched himself from first-ballot Hall of Fame status to the "Will he ever get in?" atmosphere.
Some of my studies lately have been about forgiveness. There's an interesting paradox between God's view of forgiveness and our own. We say, "Forgive and forget." But do we actually do that? The Psalms say that God has forgotten your sins as far as the east is from the west. Imagine that for a second. If you started walking east, and continued walking east, you would never ever stop walking east. There's a reason He didn't say as far as the north is from the south. If you started walking north, at a particular point, you would start heading south. But not with east and west. You would always be headed east.
But to me, the paradox comes here: We should never forget what we have been forgiven of. It's not like God is keeping some big record book up there, and says, "Well, TJ, you did this on September 30, 1994, so that's a date you need to watch out for." Of course it's not like that. But it is important for us to know what it feels like to be forgiven. Then and then only, are we free to be able to truly forgive others.
Let's just get this out of the way and make sure everyone knows...I'm a complete loser. I mess up probably 100 more times a day than most people. Therefore, I need forgiveness. I can actually understand forgiveness. Those who "never mess up" cannot. One of these days, they will mess up. How do I know? Because, "All have sinned; All have fallen short of God's glorious standard." There was only one perfect man on this earth, and He promised us to return again.

I hope that day comes soon.

Not too bad

everytime i overreact to the anxiety that creeps in...
you don't know what to say
you don't have any authority to say anything
you are a failure
what do you think you're doing?

the great I AM works things out. I AM give me the strength to finish this project and get it turned in. i forgot what a procrastinator i become when there's a deadline...

the big day

Well, it's here. I've known about this day for a couple months now. Lance always gives me a ton of time to prepare, and then it gets here and I still stress out. Woke up at 6 this morning. Anxiety kicked in overtime. Forced myself to stay in bed until 6:55. Kim's so supportive. She even woke up with me and quoted some scripture to calm me down. What a wonderful wife.

Did my usual routine of unlocking the building, turning the heat on, and starting the players. Checked my deal websites. And prayed. And studied. Oh well, if I don't know it now, I hope God leads the right words for me to say.

Pray.
tj

Wednesdays

I always get so pumped up for Wednesdays. It's the big night of the week for the Student Ministry. Over the last few months, we've had some kids who haven't grown up at MC coming...and that's a huge deal.

The last couple weeks, it's been harder to get pumped up. Mainly because I know we'll play the game, and everyone will get so jacked up, and then it's time for the lesson and they just tune me out. It's like they don't even care that I spend most of Tuesday and Wednesday preparing to teach them something about the Bible. It's not rocket science. I'm not asking for their first born....just their attention for about 45 minutes. And yet, it doesn't seem like that's remotely possible for them to give.
I went home all bummed out.
Luckily I have the best wife in the world, and she said, "You know what will cheer you up? Grading papers!" And you know what, it did. When you're stressed out about teenagers not caring about what it is that God wants them to know...grading first grade papers is pretty relaxing. They're so funny. Kim's been teaching them to write creatively this year, and they did all these papers about what Snowmen do at night. Most of them like to drink "cold cow-cow" and wear big sweaters. It's quite amusing.
And that's why we do this. The teens aren't any different than the first graders. We'll just have to figure out ways to keep them interested.
Pray hard.
tj

I think I've found a new place to live! 

It's true...I love my Wife! 

First Post

I didn't want to get a xanga or myspace account to post my thoughts, and this site just kind of jumped out at me. I don't know a whole lot about blogs, but I do enjoy reading them and keeping up with people in my life that are important to me and what I do.
So my mission statement for this blog will to be as personal and yet as distant as I can be. Even though I'm a pretty public person, there are a lot of things I hold back, just because i'm supposed to. Maybe soon I'll even put this site out there for others to read. Right now, I'll just be content on knowing I can write in it or read it whenever I feel like it.

And that's just the juxtaposition I find my self in. I know tons of people. Yet tons of people don't know me. And they don't want to know me...or anybody for that matter. The world has changed us. Made us less personal. Everything is e-this or e-that and so unsympathetic to others' wants, needs, even dreams.

So onto the personal/not so personal stuff I referred to earlier...
I'm preaching this Sunday. Yet another day that I try and discover if God has gifted me to pastor, or to be a Youth Pastor for another few years. I know I'm running out of time to decide...or rather I haven't been listening. I'm comfortable. Not something ministers should allow themselves to get. In reality, we should be able to move to Africa in a moments notice if that's what God wants.
And I want that. But where God has carved this niche out for me...is that what He wants?

I know people know about me...but do they know me?